Towards the end of September, I traveled to Washington D.C. for work. Whenever I land in DC I immediately find myself feeling in flow and reflection and I don’t think I'm unique in that feeling. Yes, DC is most known for being the Nation’s Capitol, but it is also a major college town that has turned a lot of people into adults. Me included.
As someone who travels a lot, I have rituals I practice to ground myself. I love to travel but at my core, I crave familiarity, a good ritual does the trick while I'm on go. My go-to's:
I set an intention for the trip, a word, a quote, a poem, or a question.
For DC the word was "dream", and I pondered, “what is my new dream?” I will explain this later.
I create a playlist that plays off the intention and narrates some of my ponderings.
For DC, this had Dreams by Solange, What's Next by Drake, and King's Dead by Kendrick Lamar (because there was a period when I lived in DC when I listened to this song every single day on the way to work, haha), also See You Again by Wiz Khalifa (because I will be missing my people no matter where I am, I'm always missing someone, and DC holds a lot of memories of people I love, and it still holds a lot of my favorite people <3)
I select a scent for the trip.
For DC it was Her by Burberry. Because it was a work trip I kept it simple and classic.
I always bring a book, usually two. One non-fiction and one fiction.
For DC I had "It Ends With Us," and "How to Meditate."
I always have a small journal.
The reason my intention for this trip was “dream,” is because, as I said, DC is where I became an adult, and it is the place that held all my dreams when I was 18.
I moved to DC and entered college with two fervent goals, 1) to build a career in politics and 2) to be able to afford to live on my own in DC. I had no specifics on what exactly I wanted to do in politics nor how doing that would translate to being able to afford a life. I just knew two things 1) I didn’t want to be a lawyer, and 2) I didn’t want to graduate undergrad and go straight to any kind of grad school. I love to work, but I have difficulty finding the patience for school. As a freshman in college, the goal felt so out of reach- and my fervor for it was driven by destructive insecurity.
When I stepped on campus, I had a story playing in my head. I was this girl from Colorado, with no family connections, coming from a single-parent home, who was adopted and had experienced significant enough trauma that I had developed a tunnel vision focus on survival. I was in a rush, my vision was blurred, and my breathing was often stunted, trying to hide the choked-up feelings that I didn’t have what it’d take.
Thankfully, this fervor also had a positive source- my whole life, teachers, mentors, friends, and guides, had told me I would do “great things.” They had shined a light I so desperately needed on me to affirm the goodness in me. They thought I had what it took, so I faked the confidence from what they lent me.
This is a complex sentiment when you’re adopted because there is always a curiosity about whether you’re innately lovable. If I didn’t accomplish what people envisioned for me-would they still love me? I tested that question relentlessly throughout childhood, and into college. I self-sabotaged to test those who claimed they loved me to prove they loved me, just for me. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize I was only hurting myself. I was ultimately losing love for myself in this cycle. The truth is yes, I’m innately lovable, and I was born worthy of goodness, as every single human being is. And a part of love is desiring the absolute best for your beloved. So those who held me in the light weren’t doing so because they would only love me if I did well, but because they wanted to see me do well. If someone would've just told me this at 18.
Truthfully, I don't think it would've mattered. I needed every single experience between then and now for me to have developed an unshakable sense of self-worth. Whenever I'm in DC, I reflect on the 7 years in this city that it took to develop that. From every job, internship, scam, friendship, relationship-every conversation, and argument, every time I had to beg for forgiveness, depend on someone, be disappointed, combat disrespect, be kinder than necessary, earn respect, and let life humble, me-I have the proof now, I have things to pull from that validate my confidence.
To operate in a place where I just want to see myself do well, not because I have anything to prove, but because I am gifted and smart, and talented, and I want to see how far I can take it. I'm curious about how much goodness, I can find and create for myself. If you're looking for a definition of self-love, that is what I offer: to want to see yourself doing well, to know you're deserving of goodness, and to be committed to finding it.
My 18-year-old self, as much as I’m still embarrassed by some of the wild, and careless things she did-she, will always be my favorite version of me. She was so clear, she was so determined, and I think she was hilarious. I know what I’d tell her, but I wonder what she’d tell me? What would her new dream be if she saw me now? I feel grateful to feel, in hindsight, those dreams I felt were so wild and big, were achieved, and in fact, they were not big enough. So as I make my way around the city, I’m lost in thinking about the new dream. I wonder what it’d mean to thrive for me, not just survive. But I know for sure that if my 18-year-old self saw me walking around DC, she'd smile.
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